Analius Boobfloop

Analius Boobflop is a member of the Actual Strange Booty Adventure Crew and the largest concentration of cancer no only in the crew, but in the world.

Early Life
Analius "Distinctly Average Dick" Boobflop was born from a cancerous tumor inside his mother's vagina. Despite multiple attempts to eliminate unwanted child with increasingly large amounts of radiation (even going as far as to use nuclear weapons to eliminate the tumor and leveling half the country of Afghanistan), Analius survived the hateful prejudice of his parents (who absolutely despised his very existence) and entered the world to share his cancer with everyone he knows.

Schooling
It wasn't very long until Analius found his joy of the large metallic elemental music known as "Heavy Metal." Like any fan of metal, he reached cancer levels of "pretentious music elitist" kind. "You probably sit alone mastuerbating to your gay country shit fag kil urself," Analius was once quoted saying.

Needless to say, "Distinctly Average Dick" was an absolutely beautiful black death god to the emo suicidal kids at his school. The concentration of cancer emitting from his massive scrotum allowed him to kill suicidal fags with a quick yet extremely painful death of skullfucking their brains on to the Black Veil Brides and Blood on the Dance Floor album and leave their skull filled with nothing but his cancer-laden semen. Analius was also a hit with crazy fucking nutjobs that weren't really suicidal but loved to be fucking crazy. It the only time they could suck an honest-to-God metal cancer male genitalia. Excuse me, "an honest-to-Carl Sagan metal cancer male genitalia" because God isn't real you filthy plebs.

Naturally, the skullfucking, non-Christian, and metal attitude upset the balance of Analius' hometown. It finally climaxed with a conversation with his history teacher. Analius' history teacher was a conservative Christian straight preacher professor and prophet of the Lord who was teaching a class about his hero, Jesus Christ.

”Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Jesus and accept that he died to save you from your sins and was the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known.

At this moment, the brave, metal, pro-choice free-thinking athiest Analius Boobfloop, who had spent over 1500 hours on internet discussion forums such as /r/atheism disproving silly fundies and theists while circlejerking his own superiority and being suspicious of the United States' military actions stood up and held up a rock.

”How old is this rock, pinhead?”

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied “5,000 years, you stupid Satanist.”

”Wrong. It’s been 4.6 billion years since it was formed from hot crust of out planet. If it was 5,000 years old and God, as you say, is real and created it... then it should be an animal now”

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of the Holy Bible. He stormed out of the room crying those conservative crocodile tears. The same tears conservatives cry for the “weathy” (who have enough money to own multiple houses and cars) when they greedily try to horde their massive fortunes away from the less-fortunate and needy. There is no doubt that at this point our professor wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a bible-thumping conservative professor.

The students applauded and all registered Democrat that day and accepted Darwin, Einstein, Sagan, and deGrasse Tyson as their true saviors from ignorance. An eagle named “Large Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times (removing the words "Under God"), and then had Congress increase taxes on the wealthy.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He shot himself in the head with the pistol he proudly owned as a legal gunowner in America. His suicide resulted in revoking of the Second Amendment. Additionally, Analius Boobfloop was expelled from school, disowned from his parents, and banished from his home for his defiance. Alone in the cold winter, Analius was left to travel the country, hoping someone woould allow his cancer to grow.

The Dark Years
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